Saturday, March 24, 2007

Difference that Indifference makes ..

Midsems are over. To be really honest, after all the talk of starting the prepn 6 days in advance to 3 days prior to 2 days, I finally began those preps exactly six days back i.e. Sunday evening. Monday was supposed to be my first paper. So that makes it starting half a day in advance. Yeah, finally I could still complete my syllabus, but it wasn't 30 minutes before the papers started, as I mentioned in my last post. This time it was infact 2 minutes into the exam durations that my prepn continued. I was ready to trade that amount of time for prepn rather than writing the exams as I was sure, with not much knowledge to throw at the answer sheet, I'd anyways finish these tests 15-20 minutes before time. 5 days 5 tests and they are over now. I will score, I think, more or less the same marks I have been for all this time I have been in college. I am not worried about staying in the 65-70 percent bracket. Infact, I am not worried about the results part of it. What worries me more, is that I have lost the urge. I just don't feel like going for the kill. I never find myself motivated so as to say - oh I am gonna master the concepts of kinetics of machines course. Or - I am gonna make sure I get all my doubts answered. I have never been this results are everything guy. And maybe that’s why I never got them. I don't get any pinch of pain when I discover just out of the exam hall that this silly mistake just cost me five marks. I never did. But that is one trait that still does not worry me. Infact I am never keen on discussions outside the exam hall about the exam that just got over. All that said, what really concerns is this, That I have lost the urge to learn. I have lost the urge to do well in what I am doing. I am doing an engineering course. And I am doing nothing else. So in a somewhat distorted sense - its my only and full time occupation. What worries is that I am not doing it well. What worries more is that nothing motivates me to want to do it well.

Speaking of results takes me into flashback mode. The only time perhaps I really craved for a great result was when I sat for iitjee. I remember being shattered to tears and silent screams when those red lines on the website read - the candidate with roll no. xyz has not qualified. I felt I let my parents down. Because I knew I could have done a lot better. Because I did not do justice to my own potential, and my parents' pains and support. But this is still not a memory that would worry me. I tried to go for it again, this time getting a no-good rank which offered the worse of iit courses and some pretty okay ones of it-bhu and some good ones of ism-dhanbad. Ofcourse you are not bound to be familiar with these last two college names unless you've gone through the iitjee grind yourself. This time I had done nothing great either, but I didn't feel any shatters. I didn't feel sorry for anything. I was indifferent. This is precisely what worries more.

An indifferent man with dying urge to excel.

Apart from that, I am really disappointed with india's performance at the world cup. I don't know what went wrong. But this performance certainly means I won’t be watching the rest of the world cup except, maybe, the finals. Ok, add the semi-finals too. :)

Hai nahi jo dikhaayi deta hai

Aaine par chhapaa hua chehra

Tarjuman aaine ka theek nahi

Saturday, March 10, 2007

what this budget means for you ?

I really don't know yaar. nothing about the budget. sorry folks.

Just came here because I hadn't really blogged for some while except for that holi gesture in between. So thought to just go and start typing. I do not have anything in specific to talk about as of now. Lets see if something meaningful comes out as I keep on hitting the keyboard's keys. But one thing is sure, I will post no matter what mumbo jumbo comes out of it. So, read it at your own will. There is no risk here, though.

Midsemesters are a week away. Haven't started anything at all. This is a rather oft-heard phrase in college and school circles. But a lot of the times when people say they haven't started anything, it actually means they still have to revise some parts of these three subjects. And the second revision of about two subjects will be impossible to carry out. But with me it means I have no idea of the syllabus, don't know what books to refer, what portions to do and what not to. But I still don't change this habit because it has never really harmed me very much. I somehow manage to pull it up half an hour before the exam. Maybe this habit is a 'disaster waiting to happen'. I hope it never does.

I have been reading quite conflicting and mutually contradicting stuff lately. While I have been reading a lot about work ethics and all by stephen r covey, at the same time I really enjoyed bertland russell's praise of idleness. I read a bit about psychoanalysis, dream interpretation, subconscious mind and NLP. I don't know why, but whenever go through this stuff, it fascinates me more and more. Also went to a bookstore for Jagjit singh's biography but the in-excess-of-thousand pricetag gave palpitations to this guy of limited resources and unlimited wants.

By the way, it was my birthday yesterday. Thank you thank you. Bas bas theek hai. I have been eating a lot of outside heavy food these days and I think its now showing visually as well as kinetically.

Watched star news after a long time. And thought that the time could have been longer. I mean what was the hurry. I could have made my case strong for the sensible-boy-2007 award for keeping away from this nuisance. But I did watch it today. And these are the headlines - mallika sherawat burqey mein !!! Dharmendra mishra - call centre employee ya Bhagwaan !!! bhai bana behroopia. Aur kya saari bataun ?

Yes, watched some films too. Most notably forrest gump. Liked this one a lot. Had been thinking of watching it for some time but never had the availability, time and mood together at one time. Didn't understand a few things though. And to let you a little insight. The makers i.e. paramount didn't pay the original's writer - winston groom - any royalties explaining this film was a failure commercially. And it won 6 oscars. All this just to tell I also surf wikipedia.

And am just thinking about mba preparations sometime in near future. Although there are people who advice me - pehle kuch kiya karo phir sabko bola karo, aise bhompu mat bajaya karo. Badboley kahinkey. - but I still don't get it. I still can't make myself come to terms with the suggestion that saying it prior to starting it will make any difference. Adamant. Stubborn. Obstinate. Dekha maine do teen synonyms seekh bhi liye. Woo hoo !!!

This song's playing on itunes :

''apna gham leke kahin aur naa jaaya jaaye

ghar mein bikhri hui cheezo ko sajaya jaye

ghar se masjid hai bahot door, chal yun kar le

kisi rotey hue bachche ko hasaya jaaye''

I like it.

Chaloon phir.

Saturday, March 3, 2007

Lets play Holi

Do me a favour lets play holi !

Here’s wishing all of you a cheerful and pepped up Holi.

And don’t waste your paani ke gubbare on drunk strangers who just don’t mind getting wet. Rather lash them out on neatly dressed shipshape ones, because they just might feel like getting into the groove then.

As for non-strangers, you know them well to decide whether they are the gulaal aficionados or grease enthusiasts.

But do play it.
And don’t get into troubles.

Rang barse.