Saturday, March 24, 2007

Difference that Indifference makes ..

Midsems are over. To be really honest, after all the talk of starting the prepn 6 days in advance to 3 days prior to 2 days, I finally began those preps exactly six days back i.e. Sunday evening. Monday was supposed to be my first paper. So that makes it starting half a day in advance. Yeah, finally I could still complete my syllabus, but it wasn't 30 minutes before the papers started, as I mentioned in my last post. This time it was infact 2 minutes into the exam durations that my prepn continued. I was ready to trade that amount of time for prepn rather than writing the exams as I was sure, with not much knowledge to throw at the answer sheet, I'd anyways finish these tests 15-20 minutes before time. 5 days 5 tests and they are over now. I will score, I think, more or less the same marks I have been for all this time I have been in college. I am not worried about staying in the 65-70 percent bracket. Infact, I am not worried about the results part of it. What worries me more, is that I have lost the urge. I just don't feel like going for the kill. I never find myself motivated so as to say - oh I am gonna master the concepts of kinetics of machines course. Or - I am gonna make sure I get all my doubts answered. I have never been this results are everything guy. And maybe that’s why I never got them. I don't get any pinch of pain when I discover just out of the exam hall that this silly mistake just cost me five marks. I never did. But that is one trait that still does not worry me. Infact I am never keen on discussions outside the exam hall about the exam that just got over. All that said, what really concerns is this, That I have lost the urge to learn. I have lost the urge to do well in what I am doing. I am doing an engineering course. And I am doing nothing else. So in a somewhat distorted sense - its my only and full time occupation. What worries is that I am not doing it well. What worries more is that nothing motivates me to want to do it well.

Speaking of results takes me into flashback mode. The only time perhaps I really craved for a great result was when I sat for iitjee. I remember being shattered to tears and silent screams when those red lines on the website read - the candidate with roll no. xyz has not qualified. I felt I let my parents down. Because I knew I could have done a lot better. Because I did not do justice to my own potential, and my parents' pains and support. But this is still not a memory that would worry me. I tried to go for it again, this time getting a no-good rank which offered the worse of iit courses and some pretty okay ones of it-bhu and some good ones of ism-dhanbad. Ofcourse you are not bound to be familiar with these last two college names unless you've gone through the iitjee grind yourself. This time I had done nothing great either, but I didn't feel any shatters. I didn't feel sorry for anything. I was indifferent. This is precisely what worries more.

An indifferent man with dying urge to excel.

Apart from that, I am really disappointed with india's performance at the world cup. I don't know what went wrong. But this performance certainly means I won’t be watching the rest of the world cup except, maybe, the finals. Ok, add the semi-finals too. :)

Hai nahi jo dikhaayi deta hai

Aaine par chhapaa hua chehra

Tarjuman aaine ka theek nahi

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