I say I am not that good not because I don't think I am good. It is because I think it's bad manners to claim one's credentials by one's own words. At the same time, doubts abound in my mind if such a behaviour of mine is only but hypocrisy. May be it is. But won't the converse behaviour be pompous. The choice is between hypocrisy and vanity. The choice is between a punch from Sunny Deol and a kiss from Johny Lever. Can't blame myself for being confused.
I usually don't help others, even with things I can. If asked, I do. But at least, I never offer help myself. Even when I know the other person could do well with my help, and sometimes even screw up without it. It is because I feel, offering help to a person is in some ways assuming your superiority on the matter without that person having had acknowledged it. You might be well meaning, but it could get, for the other person, demeaning. I fear being mistaken for condescending behaviour too much, for me to try being helpful. I could let it at that and be happy, but can't. Something in me wants to help when I am dead sure my help would do it for them. Something in me, stops me.
These are just two, and probably the less important ones, of the confusions that outline my existence. I have as many as five long posts, unpublished, between the last posted one and this. I attribute them, and their unpublished status, to some more confusions. And then there are the bigger ones. Increasingly, I am discovering, that I am rich only in my confusions. I sense I am not as sharp now as I was perhaps a few months back. The bigger confusions have taken the larger share of the outdated pentium-II processor in my mind, and there's no memory unluckily even for the recycle bin here.
I'm hopeless. I had promised myself I won’t be maudlin on the blog anymore, but ended up following the drift. Anyhow, I coined a new name for flatulence meanwhile. When one of my old school friends ripped one off when a few of us got together the other day, I asked him if he ever gave a damn to global warming. The other guys, obviously not him, found it so funny they have almost entirely replaced 'global warming' for 'fart' in their usage, I hear. I think the reason they liked it was that it looks more sophisticated and you can show you've not been a student of science for nothing. Think of it as giving something to peers, now this should make me happy.
Happy Holi ! Got to scratch-remove the dirt and grease now. Oh shit it's all over the keyboard now! Aaj tak saaf tha, barso se ise Colin se jo saaf kar raha hoon. Ab fir karunga.