I've been depressed for a couple of months. I use the term responsibly. Having been there in 2011-2013 and briefly in 2017, I know how to separate healthy sadness from depression. A decade ago, I was admittedly less wise, and consequently the phase lasted really long. I was beholden to what Carol Dweck calls the fixed mindset. I simply didn't have the maturity it takes to come out of it. But it doesn't only take maturity. It takes energy, too. That's the hard part, in many ways, since depression actively attacks the very life energy it is critical to muster in order to get out of it.
In 2017, I almost sensed its onset and started chipping away at it from the very beginning. In this instance, I had the maturity to see how it sets in, how it captures you helplessly if you give it any time to clench its paws upon the ground beneath your feet. I remember I made a four hours long call to my best friend - the call was very honest about my sadness - and yet there wasn't a hint of being sentimental about it, from my side or his. I was interested in a solution, not solace, and he helped me plan one. It worked.
This time, although I'm not as much of a hopelessly immature person as I was a decade ago, I have less energy. It is less certain the escape velocity I need I can muster. While everyone argues against being alone when depressed, I personally feel that being alone worked in my favor in 2017 when fighting it. It gave me greater freedom to be the architect of my comeback. Another unfortunate fact, this time, is that I have already given it couple of months to set in. The earlier you start rooting it out, the better your shot. And finally, and although it's a depressing thought in and of itself, this time around in my life there are things I need to prioritize even above fighting my depression.
That's just the hand I'm dealt. What I'll do with it we'll see. As of now, even I don't know. I'm not being maudlin here. I'm just putting in writing what needs to be recorded beyond any ambiguity. For my own sake, and for the sake of those whose lives I impact.
